“Chosen family can mean a lot of things. In our case, my husband and I were chosen, too.”

Meet Thaddeus and Josh. Thaddeus was born in an unincorporated area west of Longmont, a self-described “country kid.” Even in a rural community and at a young age, Thaddeus knew he was gay. He laughed as he told the story of coming out when he was 18 years old: 

“I was really close with this group of guys, we were like brothers. And we just so happened to be hanging out all at once. In a hot tub. 

So I told a hot tub full of straight guys I was gay. And they all accepted me on the spot, though one of them did joke ‘Great timing, Thad.’”

Thaddeus first met his husband Josh while they were both volunteering at a Boulder County AIDS Project event in 2008. It was love at first sight.

“We were like velcro. There was never any question for either of us that we’d found our person. We were and are a really good team.”

When Thaddeus and Josh met, marriage wasn’t an option, and the idea of having or adopting a child wasn’t even on their radar. But once Obergefell v Hodges made marriage equality the law of the land, the couple began to consider whether fatherhood was something they wanted.

It turned out, they both did. 

After the SCOTUS ruling, Rocky Mountain Equality started offering workshops to educate and advocate for LGBTQ+ families looking to adopt and grow their families. Thaddeus and Josh attended the classes along with dozens of other newly-recognized couples.

Their journey to meeting their son, Ethan, took over a year.

Following advice from RMEQ’s program, Thaddeus and Josh sought out an inclusive adoption agency focused on open adoptions. And from there, the men pulled together their “book” — a way for prospective parents to introduce themselves to adoption agencies and the families they serve.

“We knew other couples who, when they adopted, chose to do what’s called a ‘closed adoption’ — meaning the records of the biological family are sealed, creating a confidential process with little or no information about them shared with the adoptive family. 

Those kids are always very curious to more fully understand who they are and where they come from, and it seemed to us it could cause stress or conflict. We wanted Ethan to always know his full story as best we can share it with him.”

At the time of their application, both men’s careers were on the rise and the future looked bright. Thaddeus described their experience with the adoption agency as “very fair and inclusive.” 

A young woman who was due to give birth in Spring of 2017 chose Thaddeus and Josh to be dads. 

“Chosen family can mean a lot of things. In our case, my husband and I were chosen, too,” said Thaddeus.

Because of the open adoption process, Thaddeus and Josh met the biological mother and her parents, and they were present for their son’s birth. At first not everyone in the extended family was completely on board with Ethan having two fathers. Thaddeus and Josh very intentionally included them in Ethan’s life anyway, inviting them to birthday parties and sending an annual family Christmas ornament. 

Last year, one of the more reluctant family members emailed Thaddeus with her new address, saying, “I love the ornaments and wanted to make sure you knew where to send it. Thank you.”

Now that Ethan is nine years old, social factors around how his family is perceived have surfaced several times. While Thaddeus and Josh haven’t connected with many other LGBTQ+ parents outside of Ethan’s school, they have plenty of friends and family (including cousins Ethan’s age) surrounding them with love and mutual support.

“‘The Talk’ — about what being gay means — is not just one talk. It shows up in different ways. At school, at the park, these discussions can show up anywhere. When Ethan first saw a woman who was visibly pregnant, for instance, he was so curious! He asked us, ‘What if you liked women instead? Would I be here with you?’. 

We answer his questions as well as we can, and really emphasize that there’s nothing for him to be ashamed of — that our family is normal. We take very seriously the opportunity to show our neighbors and community what a gay family looks like.”

Thaddeus chuckled a bit and added, "Growing up in the '80s and '90s, our frame of reference is needing to be accepted for being gay. But our son has grown up seeing loving marriage that's defined by two dads. So we make a point of encouraging something most parents never think to say: if he grows up to love a woman, we'll be thrilled. We aren't striving for any particular answer. We just never want him to feel he has to announce who he is."

When LGBTQ+ people build our families, we do so with a vision of creating the inclusive and affirming world in which we want to live. Rocky Mountain Equality’s Youth Program and our recent addition of expanded Parent & Family Programs are a part of building that brighter future together.

“Our hope for Ethan is that he can continue to be confident as he discovers who he is. We want him to believe in himself. And we will meet him where he’s at as he grows.”

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